I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
