i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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