i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
