Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When are your genitals available?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
