I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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