I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
