its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
