he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
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