come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize