Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Randomize
