Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
