So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
