Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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