Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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