I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
