Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
