i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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