Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize