Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
