it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Randomize