im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
