My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
