Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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