I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
