Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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