tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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