Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
