Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
