life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
