We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
