she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
