You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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