Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
