I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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