Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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