I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
