i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
