My underwear smells like fireworks.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
