see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
