I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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