I bet he comes in French.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Randomize
