A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
