On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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