My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
