Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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