I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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