Joe is yelling at the trees again.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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