Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
