I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
