meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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