My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
