if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
