no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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