How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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