I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I need water and some morals
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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