farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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