Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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