***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
