I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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