Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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