I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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